Heart Ache

Hi everyone,

I know it has been a while since I’ve last been on. I recently moved and had a new job. That was until the Corona virus had my job downsized so now on unemployment which won’t make ends meet.

Besides that, I ended up catching feelings for a man that has done nothing but lied and led me on. This man has come and gone from my life multiple times since he left the job we both worked at. Recently we hooked up and it ended awkwardly when his ex showed up at 1am. I was basically kicked out. The next day I found out I was blocked on both his facebook and phone. We were supposed to hang out Sunday night but my text to see if it was still happening went unanswered. It has been almost a week and nothing. I felt stupid and sick to my stomach because of it. He is a really nice guy and we have a lot in common but this was the breaking point for me. What’s the worst is that a friend of mine checked his facebook and he is still posting things. I spent all weekend wondering if everything was okay and if I was good enough; haven’t messaged him since Sunday. It seemed like he liked me and we had a great time but I don’t even know. I am in no way needy or clingy. I just wanted to know what happened and where I stand in his life. I am starting to realize that I really must mean nothing to him. I was used and that is never a good feeling.

This all happened after I started to finally feel happy again. It sucks that we are in quarantine and I am going through this. All I want is to be with my sisters binge watching shows while eating pizza, ice cream and whipped cream; also maybe someone brushing my hair. Weird combo I know but it’s what I like. 

I feel calm even though the thoughts and hurt keep coming up. Like this was me getting him out of my system. A part of me though has a fear that he’s going to randomly message me very soon acting like nothing happened. If that does happen, all I want to know is what I ever meant to him. 

So, If any of you are going through the same things please know that we will get through this. It hurts like HELL I know. You are a powerful being so fix your crown and don’t let the tricksters out from under your foot.

Wander Often,

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