I know it has been a while since I’ve last been on. I recently moved and had a new job. That was until the Corona virus had my job downsized so now on unemployment which won’t make ends meet.
Besides that, I ended up catching feelings for a man that has done nothing but lied and led me on. This man has come and gone from my life multiple times since he left the job we both worked at. Recently we hooked up and it ended awkwardly when his ex showed up at 1am. I was basically kicked out. The next day I found out I was blocked on both his facebook and phone. We were supposed to hang out Sunday night but my text to see if it was still happening went unanswered. It has been almost a week and nothing. I felt stupid and sick to my stomach because of it. He is a really nice guy and we have a lot in common but this was the breaking point for me. What’s the worst is that a friend of mine checked his facebook and he is still posting things. I spent all weekend wondering if everything was okay and if I was good enough; haven’t messaged him since Sunday. It seemed like he liked me and we had a great time but I don’t even know. I am in no way needy or clingy. I just wanted to know what happened and where I stand in his life. I am starting to realize that I really must mean nothing to him. I was used and that is never a good feeling.
This all happened after I started to finally feel happy again. It sucks that we are in quarantine and I am going through this. All I want is to be with my sisters binge watching shows while eating pizza, ice cream and whipped cream; also maybe someone brushing my hair. Weird combo I know but it’s what I like.
I feel calm even though the thoughts and hurt keep coming up. Like this was me getting him out of my system. A part of me though has a fear that he’s going to randomly message me very soon acting like nothing happened. If that does happen, all I want to know is what I ever meant to him.
So, If any of you are going through the same things please know that we will get through this. It hurts like HELL I know. You are a powerful being so fix your crown and don’t let the tricksters out from under your foot.
Looking back on my life I realized I was just trying to get everyone’s approval no matter how crappy a person they were. Yes, I am a people pleaser but I’m learning more and more that I need to focus on myself. Enough of trying to give everything to get friends and family members who will stab you in the back the second you turn.
My true family is my siblings, brother in law and my nephews. Relatives aren’t all that great in my family. I was told countless times to watch out but only half listened. I tried seeing the best in people. That turned out to be very wrong. I learned recently that people will butter you up and pretend to like you just to get what they want. If they don’t, they will attack you.
I have finally learned not to care about those who fake caring about me. It will hurt them but it will be better for me. I’m slowly limiting talking to those people. Soon it will be almost nonexistent. Do I feel bad? A very small part of me does but the bigger part knows i will find people who aren’t related to me that will be more of a family than those relatives.
A message for you: In those times please don’t be afraid to cut ties. You don’t need that negativity in your life. Life is already stressful. Why add in something that’s even worse. Never apologize for improving your life. Take care of you. If they truly wanted to be in your life they wouldn’t have treated you the way they did. Never apologize for improving yourself. The longest relationship is with you. Make sure you’re not just happy with yourself but with the people around you.
Burn as many bridges as you need to feel your best self.
I believe everyone has their own castle. It’s the place that has battle scars, ruins and damage from those that tried to attack you. The place you go to hide; to rebuild yourself. A safe place.
My castle had it’s share of scars. I mostly just leave them but sometimes I will patch them up.
After the tragic loss of my person, my castle ended with a catastrophic blow that left it in ruins. As the dust settled and I saw mine and my mothers crowns laying on a pile of rubble, I lost all hope. I didn’t just lose one queen but two.
It has taken 8 months and a new year to go back and see the ruins. I am slowly rebuilding my castle. It won’t be the same and I know nothing ever will but I need to keep moving. Wanting me to be happy was her goal.
Rebuild, reinvent, renew. Coming back stronger than before. As I slowly rebuild, so will my strength.
From my castle to yours….
I just took my first trip abroad for the holidays. Most people would go somewhere warm and tropical but I’m not like most and decided to take a 2 week holiday trip to Finland. Yep, you read that right; the chilly cold that is Finland in winter.
First off, I’ve been wanting to visit for the last two years. I fell in love with the landscape, then the culture and finally the people. I got so excited that I used to bug my mother by saying I would call or send a video on New Years to let her know how much I loved her. After she passed all hope of anything in my life vanished. It wasn’t until I started working that I believed it to be a sign. My job was closing for two weeks for vacation around Christmas to New Years. I couldn’t believe it. I took it as the right time to leave. It wasn’t just for me but for my mother too. The trip was a way to figure out what I want, a new start and if I’m being completely honest, a little bit of running away.
I knew very little of the Finnish language. Luckily the majority of people there spoke English. I really wanted to see the Northern Lights but it’s a hit or miss if they come out and are bright. I just saw a few faded ones. Don’t get me wrong, I wasn’t mad or upset by it. I enjoyed the landscape, fire and food none the less. New Years Eve isn’t like it is in New York but was enjoyable. ‘
The trip was more of a relax and recharge. Here are a few of the things I’ve seen out of the 300ish photos I took haha.
One of the museums I visited
Painting and sculpture museum I visited
New Years Eve
So adorabe. The Moomin snow sculptures.
Santa’s village was awe-inspiring.
Fire from Northern Lights tour
Cross Country Skiing
Helsinki City Center
Skywheel, Sauna And pool
I have officially moved into my new apartment with my younger sister in early December 2018. We got out of a bad lease that was two months in and ended up finding this place. I wanted to wait a bit to get situated. It’s a nice place. The adjusting to living someplace new is difficult. I semi lived on my own before I moved back home but the house still belonged to my mother. This time it’s different. No one I know owns it or lives around me.
My sister is completely unpacked but I am still in boxes. I work the night shift at work so I’m tired half the time and want to sleep in. Weekend are for errands or repairing my family’s home so it can finish selling.
The new place is relaxing and comfortable that I have no problem calling it home. I feel safe and at peace. It is a gated complex which is a little pricier than the last place but worth it. Very spacious with high ceilings; the kind of place I always wanted to live in. This feels like the next step in the right direction.
I recently went on a spontaneous trip to see my older sister in Staten Island. It was a much needed getaway. I have been so stressed and depressed lately. My sister noticed and wanted me to get away. I am quite lucky for her. I was going crazy with everything that has been going on.
My trip consisted of a good nights sleep with no waking up in the middle of it; which is very rare. A fun trip to the Bronx zoo and the Scholars garden. I came back better than I was and with a clearer head. Sometimes family knows what you need better then you do. Much love to my family; especially my two sisters.
I had my life flipped upside down in the middle of July when my mother passed away from lung cancer and COPD on her birthday. She would have been 62 years old. That day not only did I lose my rock, best friend, my EVERYTHING but a big chunk of me too. I’m scared of what is next. I know I need to get a job and dealing with all of the estate stuff while slowly going into a depression is not easy. I’ve lost the will to do anything. Most of the time I just want to sleep and forget the world but know that I have things to do that keeps me up at night.
My plan is to be more active on here. I won’t be sappy and miserable like I am at this moment. This will be a journey of healing, self discovery, purpose and adventure. This chapter with a gaping hole in my chest is coming to a close and a new chapter has begun. Time to travel through Wonderland!